The "C" List (Part 2) Chip Shot: A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position for one or more missed puts. Chronic Grumbler: One who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise. Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. Cinnamon: Jamaican who broke the ten commandments. City Life: Millions of people being lonesome together. Class Reunion: 1. A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are; 2. Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart. Clever Investment: The one you failed to make. Clockroaches: Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock instead of doing their jobs. Clothestrophobia: What a nudist suffers from. Coal: A lumpy substance that not only goes to the buyer, but to the cellar as well. Cocktail Lounge: A half-lit roomful of half-lit people. Cocktail Party: 1. A place where they serve yesterday's leftovers and tomorrow's hangovers; 2. A place where you meet a lot of old friends you never saw before; 3. Where a handful gather a snootful and earful; 4. Where they cut sandwiches and friends into little pieces; 5. Where two and two make a bore. Cogito Eggo Sum: I think, therefore, I am a waffle. Cohort: A backup hort that switches in if the primary hort fails or goes on a coffee break. Coiffure: A french word meaning “you’ll keep coming to us because you’ll never be able to do it this way yourself.” Colleague: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame. College Bred: A four-year loaf requiring a fearful amount of dough and is seldom self-raising. College Graduate: A person who had a chance to get an education. College Jock: Someone who minds his build instead of vice versa. College Years: The only vacation a boy gets between his mother and his wife. Comatose: When your foot falls asleep. Comedian: 1. A man with a pun-track mind; 2. A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has. Comic Books: Illiterature. Comic Relief: When the life of the party goes home. Commendation: The tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own. Committee: 1. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours; 2. A group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary; 3. A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent; 4. A grotesque creature with multiple heads and twice as many feet, no three of them pointing in the same direction. Company Policy: The corporate equivalent of your parents saying, “Because I said so.” Conceit: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. A form of I-strain. Concrete Opinions: Those that are thoroughly mixed and permanently set. Condom: An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion. Confirmed Bachelor: 1. One who thinks that the only thoroughly justified marriage was the one that produced him; 2. A man with no wife expectancy. Conscience: 1. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 3. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good. Consultant: 1. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. A jobless person who shows executives how to work; 3. Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, flour, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that's, like, you know, got it all together, dude. Copulation: The number of policemen in the area. Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other's company. Counterfeiter: 1. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets; 3. A person with a pseudough-nym. Country: A damp sort of place where all sorts of birds fly about uncooked. Country Music: Three chords and the truth. Coupe D'Etat: The forcible takeover of a government by someone in a 2-door car. Courage: Fear in action. Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners. Courtship: 1. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 2. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot. Cramnesia: Student memory loss. Creativity: Intelligence having fun. Credit: A commodity that becomes better the less it is used. Criminal: A person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation. Criticism: Something you can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing. Cuddle: Act of warmth and affection that your husband will inevitably interpret as foreplay. Curriculum: A harness devised by educational bureaucrats to turn thoroughbred teachers into cart horses. Curved Line: The loveliest distance between two points. Cynic: A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. |